the state of one’s ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship:
It’s Monday. It’s been customary that i write my blog entries on Monday’s. I’m not sure why that’s become the case. Maybe it’s because i’ve had the weekend to reflect but i think that’s a load of shit since i don’t really do much reflection here. This blog was to be an honest “on the spot” assessment of the “journey” we’ve undertaken. Stream of consciousness, drivel with moments of witty repartee. I said i’d be honest, “…warts and all” and today i guess is one of the wart days.
I’m not sure where to start. See, i’m conflicted. Because i believe we’ve become a society of self-absorbed, ego-infested, lemmings who feel the need to incessantly post every mundane thought or action on Twitter and Facebook. We suddenly feel like it’s important to tell everyone, anyone who’ll listen that we just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or that our head hurts or we just “struggled” through 3 loads of laundry and now we need a break. I could go on for days about this but i won’t. Needless to say, this blog also falls into that senseless, self-absorbed, crap category. But i made a deal with myself to make notes about our experience because later i wanted to look back and see a road-map of thoughts and emotions that were written in the moment, at the time they occurred and not from reflection or reminiscence. My intention was to make the next, “rest of my life” a piece of art. For ME… not for any of you. I stopped making music and painting because my “next project” was this experience. And… i’ve been so shut down for the last ten years, i felt the only way to discontinue that trend was to throw open the curtains and let everyone in. Warts and all… Take part in the exhibitionism. Foolish.
About now you’re probably asking yourself, “What the hell is he talking about?” and i completely understand. See… If I ignore my post this week, i’m turning my back on the deal i made with myself. I become a fraud because later i’ll be resigned to recall this particular Monday from a place of reflection. I’ll be forced to pull hard the strings of emotion and loss. Because let’s face it… time changes our perception… our per-spek-tiv. It does heal most wounds. Most…
My per-spek-tiv is definitely different today. A very dear friend succeeded in killing himself this weekend and the thought of writing a blog about our boat search trip makes me sick to my stomach. The “…state of my ideas” is not clear right now. I fluctuate between anger and sadness. This “experience” has now shifted like the tectonic plates as i mourn for my other friend who was there when he did it and is now forced to carry that image in his head for the rest of his life. Brutal and inhumane… it makes me wanna sit on the floor and cry.
Warts and all…
So… you see my dilemma. Do i post this crap and feed the monster? Or do i lock it down, choke back the tears, cover it over with bullshit and tamp it down deep into the dark, wet dirt.
Do me a favor, if you’ve made this far, don’t post any “I’m sorry for your loss” comments. Don’t tell me “…things will get better with time.” Respectfully… save your breath. You wanna be sympathetic? Do something that matters. Take a long lunch, go outside and look around. Lay on your back for a change of ‘per-spek-tiv’ and take a deep, deep breath. Now realize that life is a gift. Selling another widget won’t make you a better father or mother. Your BMW is not fooling anyone. At least anyone who is still paying attention. Don’t judge people because chances are, you don’t know shit about what balls they are juggling in their lives and… if you have a problem, get help. Do a better job with your life. Engage. Mend your fences. Count your blessings. That’s what you can do.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s simply ignorance.
Now… if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to make a peanut and butter sandwich.